Crank: High Voltage

How does one describe a film like Crank: High Voltage? With difficulty, I think.

Crank 2 is proof that you can replace plot with a premise, huge amounts of action, a dollop of humour, a dizzyingly frantic pace, and the entertainment power of boobies; provided, that is, that you embrace the lunacy and stupidity of your creation whole-heartedly. It doesn't ask for very much of your time, only about 100 minutes or so, but it's decided that, since you've been good enough to give it your time, it's going to make sure that you are 100% entertained for each and every one of those minutes.

Our hero, Chev Chelios (Jason Statham, who may well have been born especially for the role) returns, having fallen out of a helicopter a mile in the sky at the end of the first film. Despite hitting the ground at a ridiculous speed, he survives, only to be scooped (literally, with a snow shovel - there's even a wonderful little schlop sound when it happens) into the back of a van, and wind up in a dodgy, backroom surgery having his heart removed and replaced with an artificial heart. When they come back for more organs, starting with the one dangling between his legs, Chelios decides that he's had quite enough of this, thanks, and fights his way out, shoving a shotgun up a fat guy's ass in the process. Yes, you did read that correctly.

Now Chev is on the hunt for his strawberry tart (heart), running around LA trying to find the man who has it. Unfortunately, his artificial heart isn't exactly cut out for this kind of stress, so Chelios has to keep himself electrically charged to keep his heart pumping. This in itself provides enormous entertainment due to the execution and imagination involved. The trailer shows him rubbing against a granny in polyester, but for my money, the funnier part of that gag is when he rubs arms with a guy at the racetrack, somehow hoping that he won't notice. Genius. Then there's being electrocuted by taser, by jumper leads, by grabbing high voltage mains cables, by sticking his finger in a cigarette lighter, and many, many more.

Then there's the action, which is also played for laughs. Fantastic. Scenes like a stripper being shot in her breast implants, which then leak dry, leaving just two empty sacks of flesh. Or scenes involving a head being kicked like a soccer ball. Or scenes involving Bai Ling's manky hooker beating a man in the balls with a bicycle.

Speaking of Bai Ling, her character Ria provides nothing but laughs, due to the hilarious dialogue and Bai's total commitment to the role, i.e. her dedication to proving that her character is the horniest, craziest, filthiest hooker imaginable. Lines like "He my Kevin Costner, he beat you both off!" are thrown around without moment for pause, and the cat-fight between Ria and Chelios' girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart, who is hilarious throughout) is a highlight.

Then there's the Godzilla-esque sequence, complete with oversized-head masks; Pedro showing off his nunchuck skills (whether this was deliberate or not, I don't care); the reanimated head of the first film's villain who looks and sounds a little like a severely retarded robot; a man cutting off his own nipples to save his life; and, and, and...

You see, the problem with films like Crank 2 (there are other films like Crank 2???) is that they make me want to list everything I enjoy about them, which is everything. So with that said, let me just say that Crank: High Voltage is the most entertaining film I've seen in a very long time, possibly ever, and that you should definitely go and watch it. I cannot imagine how you could possibly be disappointed. A+.

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