This Month I Won't Be Watching…

Welcome to a new (hopefully monthly) segment here at Yet Another Film Review Blog!

One of the unfortunate things about reviewing films is that the films that are easiest to review are usually the ones that are horrible to watch. Negative criticism is just much easier to think of than positive. So every month, there are at least three or four films I see on release that would take twenty blissfully vitriolic minutes to write a 500 word review of, but would cost me two hours of my life that I would never get back. I don’t have that much free time.

So I decided on the compromise that is this column: every month or so, I'll write a small piece on each of the films that I know there is no way I will ever watch, based purely on my impressions of them from media coverage, trailers and any other reviews that I happen across. This way I get to spit bile, and still keep my two hours. These “reviews” are going to be somewhat looser than my regular reviews, because that’s all these wastes of celluloid deserve. So, to start us off:

College Road Trip

Somewhere in Hollywood sits the world's biggest misanthropist. I do not know his name. In fact, I don't even know that he’s male, or that he’s even only one person, but hatred works much better when you have a focus, much like this bullshit I’m trying to weave. This is the man responsible for keeping Martin Lawrence in work.

He’s only been in one thing I can bare to watch (Bad Boys), and he comes perilously close to spoiling that. Everything else he’s been in makes me want to kill myself or him, but generally him. I had to watch 25 minutes of Black Knight on a coach once, and the only way to make it tolerable was play “predict the upcoming movie cliché” with my friends. College Road Trip looks like another horrendous collection of horrible clichés and so-called “black humour”. (The only way this qualifies as humour of any kind is if the audience are less intelligent than the lichen growing on the wall outside my apartment.) You could not pay me enough to watch this film. (But feel free to try!)

Disaster Movie

I want to know something: who the hell is responsible for this crap? And by that I mean, who out there is going to see these films, and thereby making it lucrative for lazy studio execs to keep commissioning more soulless crap like this? What started out with the mediocre Scary Movie has now snowballed into this horrendous franchise, where the material that is being parodied is so recent and inconsequential that it feels dated before it even makes it to release. This stuff is just awful - complete and total diatribe. I can’t even bring myself to talk about how much I hate it any more.

Mama Mia!

Enough said.