This Month I Won't Be Watching…

Ah yes, it’s that time again, the time where I get to spit hate and rage and bile without really having to do more than cry broad generalisations to support my claims and get away with it. If you don’t like swearing, well then I suggest you make the beep noise in your head as you read this, as there’s plenty of it below. First up…

Bandslam

Ok, I know I’m not the target audience for this kind of film, but don’t think that means I don’t get to shit all over it!

No wonder kids these days are supposedly dumber than ever – if you had this kind of crap rammed down your throat by a corporate marketing machine with an operating budget bigger than the GDP of a mid-sized African nation, you’d be thick as sit too. Hell, at least this way the poor little bastards don’t have to be aware of the hell they’re being put through.

Enjoy your mindless oblivion, kids!


The Time Traveler’s Wife

I’ve heard reports that this one may not be half bad, but it deserves a spot here just for the sheer fucking shamelessness that this film goes after what I like to call “The Notebook” market.

The Notebook is, of course, a big steaming pile of shit that burrows itself into the emotional control centre of the female brain in pretty much exactly the same way that Crank 2 burrows into the “kick the shit out of stuff” centre of the male brain. Like The Notebook, The Time Traveler’s Wife also stars Rachel McAdams; and just in case there were any people out there who weren’t certain about the links, check out these posters!

Congratulations, marketing fucks, you just won my eternal fucking contempt.


The Ugly Truth

Well, the ugly truth is that I would rather turn my head into a Pinhead from Hellraiser costume using nothing more than some rusty nails and a dull spoon than watch this giant, dangling horse cock of a movie. To everyone who made this film: congratulations, you got paid, and in the process you managed to make the world just a little bit worse of a place to live. Thanks a lot, you soulless cunts.